i think the only thing stopping me from sinking into depression are the people around me. but then what happens when i go to the UK. the weather is depressing and i'll probably be stressed. i have a very high chance of depression.

and my mum needs to stop telling me to be happy, or to diet better, or to study more as if its the easiest thing to do. but its not, and when she tells me to, it just makes me feel worse and its really not helping at all.

i dont know whats going on, but im very not like me anymore. im only myself again when im with people, once im alone, its like a depression sets in. am i suddenly one of those people who cant be alone. i used to enjoy being alone, now i cant.

i need to figure out whats happening. im just hoping its the IB exams.

and all i do is whine. omg im a whiner!!! holy shit

i think its extra spastic that ive actually got everything pretty easy in life. ok VERY easy. im like one of the luckiest people in the world. ive got opportunities that so many people dont have, no only do i not appreciate, but i dont make use of it. thats a whole new level of useless.

i need to handle stress better. or i'll never make it in life.

but on a brighter note:

thanks guys :) especially at this low point right now, im feeling extra love for you all! you guys are really the only fatass-es keeping me alive right now. man im a drama queen. yvonne influence :p

but i know without you guys id probably be wayyyy worse right now. so thanks :)

oh and apologies in advance if i refuse to step out of the house after IB. dont force me ah! if im fat, means im fat, and im not going anywhere till i can face the world again :p

smiley face. but seriously. i wont. haha, self-esteem is far too low as of now. haha IM GOING TO BE A COW FOR PROM. OMGGG YVONNE HOT YOGA PLEASE.

Really...what happened to me.. my willpower is shit, and my motivation is completely gone. i think ive reached a low point in term of drive.

I cant diet, i cant mug. i cant diet because i have to mug and just be bored. Bored= eat. but i cant, so i get restless and annoyed. i eventually do cave and then i eat, i get depressed that i eat and then i cant mug. i dont do anything after i break the diet.

i think its just sad the way my life revolves around diet and fats. why cant i just be ok being fat? is it thatttt horrible. its like if i see someone who's plumper than me, i always think they look better than me anyway. i think some fat people are really hot. but when i get fat, i JUST. LOOK. SO. BAD.

i refuse to be fat after IB ends. Honestly if i were fat, i wont leave the house. i know that will annoy the crap out of a lot of people, but i would be even more annoyed at the fact that they cant accept the fact that i am an overly paranoid person who feels like the floor is gonna crumble under my tremendous weight.

im a effing whale lah.

but im expecting the weight to drop off too quickly.

As for work, well its really going no where. i dont see the point in working now anyway.

What happened to me... especially from the beginning of this year:
i had will power. i could diet, almost easily
i thought work was the most important thing on earth

Then june came and went,  and now im a fucking sloth.

Last year. i was happier. i didnt think i was, but now that i think about it... i didnt care so much, i was freer (obviously)

maybe its the exams, and maybe the fat hormones are clogging my brain.

either way, life sucks now. and i hope this phase will end soon.

bye

edit/

ok i dont know how they do it, but my parents just have this ability to make me feel worse. no matter what the problem is. Everything always FEELS worse after i talk to them. i miss.........

wonder when life will get back on track. i cant wait to look back at this post and look down upon how pathetic i was (am).

help me :(

i need to get out of this cycle but i dont know how.

well actually i do. i need to stick to my diet and wait for IB to end.

YVONNE WE WILL BE THE PERFECT DUO. HAHAHHAHAHAH


IB NEEDS TO END